Words We Cannot Say
by Apesshipper
Summary: Spoiler for "Fall Out". My first Without A Trace fic. JackSam


This is my first "Without A Trace" fic.  Spoilers for "Fall Out".

Words We Cannot Say

Sam.  It can't be happening.  Please, tell me it's not happening.  It would be bad if it was any of my people, but you're the reason, you're my reason.  For everything from getting up in the morning, to going through our emotionally draining work, to going to bed at night alone and knowing that I have to start all over the next day.  Your smile drives me crazy and when you're sad or hurting, I just want to hold you until everything's all better, until you're smiling again.  You're so beautiful when you smile.  No regrets.  That might be something you'd say in this situation.  We did what we did for a reason…and we had a reason for covering it up.  I love my kids.  I want to be with them more than anything in this world.  That's why I never say anything.  That's why I can never let you know.  Because if Marie found out, she'd never let me see my children, so I keep it hidden.  I try to convince myself there's always tomorrow, the next day, maybe after the divorce, someday I'll tell you how I feel, how much a part of my life you are, always.  In our work, I've learned to never put off until the next day because the next day is never promised.  At any minute, something could happen to anyone, without warning, and the ones left behind only have 'what ifs' or 'I should haves', words that can never be said.  I put off telling you…and now I cannot say them.  There is a gunshot…and my world falls to pieces.  I have become what I dread; I have become one of those that can only wait, watch, and worry, plenty of what ifs.  What if I wasn't married?  What if I didn't have my children?  What if we didn't work together?  What if I told you that I loved you?  Would it make a difference?  Now I'm faced with what ifs of a different kind.  What if he's lying?  What if you're hurt or…dead?  What were the last things we said to each other?  Is that what I really want to remember as our last words together?  Backed against a wall, I do the only thing I can for you.  I all but beg him to let me replace you.  I'm so frightened that you're hurt, that you need help, and I know it's written on my face, but the only thing that matters to me is getting you and the others all the help you need.  Besides, I cannot take the words I could not say.  

*****  
  
Jack.  It can't be happening.  Damn it, Jack, why would you do something so stupid?  What about your kids?  I keep telling myself that they're the most important things in your life and, so far, I haven't been able to convince myself I'm wrong.  So why would you knowingly put yourself at risk?  Why would you risk leaving them without a father?  Why would you risk making me live every day without you?  It hurts bad enough that I love you and cannot say the words, for fear of work or Marie, mostly Marie.  I would do anything for you.  I lie to everyone about what happened, about feeling anything other than friendship for you.  The one person I cannot lie to is myself.  Damn it, why doesn't someone tell me what's happening?  I don't want to be in this hospital bed; I want to be with you.  That's the only place I ever want to be.  For the first time, I can really feel what the victim's families do.  Unending waiting, terrifying thoughts of what might have happened to the ones we love, the pain that hurts worse than the bullet ever could.  You were the only person I thought about when I was shot, about how you never get a second chance.  If you don't do what you feel, say what you think, the moment's over and can never be recaptured.  I wish I had a second chance.  I wish I could tell you how I feel, but every time I see you, something's in the way.  Not pride, but expectations, what everyone else wants of us.  If we were in a world of our own, where no one else mattered, things would be different, but all we can do is live in this world the best we can, with the information we have at the time.  I hear footsteps and voices, but they're not one of the boys or Vivian.  I still don't know about you.  I don't even know why you did it.  Please say you did it for the other hostages, not for me.  If you were hurt because of me, I couldn't stand it.  Please, please come in, let me see your smile, let me know you're okay.  Don't leave me like this, with only the four walls and words I could not say.


End file.
